Have you ever said or done something so rude you shock yourself?
Woah, who was that b*tch?
Of course, you don’t admit this out loud. You keep your mean mug married to your face because what could be worse than admitting you’re wrong?
It’s possible to feel so far away from yourself that taking one step back into your heart seems more arduous than acting like a piece of shit.
I am fortunate to have the most incredible human being in my life, my husband, Gareth. He’s my best friend. There’s no one in the world I love more than him. And yet, there’s moments, I’m so far away from knowing this, I snarl at him. Grrr! Get away!
We share a life together, including a car.
One Friday, I take the day off from work to study meditation in the Marin Headlands.
Gareth knows about my plans; it's on the calendar. Nevertheless, he takes the car out for coffee this morning, promising to be back in time. But he isn't. Waiting in our driveway, I start calculating how late I'll be. Anxiety rushes in like a tidal wave. For me, being late equates to being bad—a recipe for a shame spiral. Self-sabotage kicks in; I'm caught in a web of negativity.
I hate being late. And now, I hate Gareth.
He arrives, expecting an open arm embrace.
“Finally!” I snap.
Gareth is stunned by my curt tone and swift grab of the keys. Before he can apologize, give an explanation, demonstrate his love, I’ve turned my cheek to avoid his kiss and shut the door in his face. I’m off like a speed demon. Call me Cruella de Vil.
On this particular day, I have the privilege of joining a day retreat in the Marin Headlands with Mark Coleman, a seasoned meditation teacher, nature enthusiast, and author of several books, including "From Suffering to Peace," "Make Peace with Your Mind," and "Awake in the Wild."
The absurdity of being so not zen on the way to be zen, is not lost on me. I am, in so many ways, a walking contradiction. Besides, it’s called meditation practice! Not meditation perfection. So I choose to attend this meditation retreat with angst. I hold onto my grudge a bit longer. It’s a kind of comfortable clenched fist, hurt so good, familiar pain.
Of course, I miss the highway exit, so I’m looping around on the freeway once more, time ticking away mercilessly. My tardiness is amassing, along with self-loathing and disquietude.
Soon, the service on my phone goes out, leaving me disconnected from the virtual world but more connected to the present moment. Despite my agitation, the drive becomes more and more breathtaking as I venture deeper into the Marin Headlands.
Laughably, I end up arriving on time.
The sun is shining, breaking through the clouds, a picturesque view that undeniably screams the grace of God.
I join Mark and the rest of the group at the meeting location and soon Mark is guiding us on a hike, wherein we’re asked to practice noble silence. There’s no chit chatting on the trail. We’re invited into a deeper listening and spend the next moments observing our surroundings.
My brow unfurls as I’m fully embraced by the beauty of these headlands. I wander the rugged trails, and feel the heartbeat of the land. In the soft caress of the ocean's breath, I glimpse the echoes of the first people who lived here in harmony with the earth. I feel inspired to walk gently, like the Miwok of old, leaving only footprints upon the sand.
We gather at the bluff and sit for a meditation session. Mark begins to speak about opening to the natural world.
In meditation, we simultaneously pursue two things: focus and opening.
We focus by observing our breath, tracking our thoughts, noting our sensations.
Nature, with its sensory symphony, naturally leads us toward opening our awareness. The wind, the smell of saltwater, the earth underfoot—they beckon us into the present, breaking the chains of past and future.
As I sit experiencing my open awareness, I realize the awareness is not just mine. I am the observer, yes, but I am also being observed. Nature is aware of me.
I feel her brush my cheek with a changing wind, and kiss my feet with moist grass. Crashing waves sing an ancient tale of our togetherness.
I give up my meditation posture and lay on my back, feeling the earth cradle me. A smile dances on my lips, a sweet remembering of my true essence.
A sense of playfulness bubbles up within my spirit as I spot a daisy bending with the breeze. "How silly!" I chuckle inwardly, recalling the knot of angst that had gripped me earlier that morning. Amidst the chaos of modern existence, I had become disconnected from my true self. Yet, the gaze of nature works as a gentle tether, pulling me back into authenticity.
With the dissolution of my anxiety, a profound peace wraps around me, serving as a reminder of the comfort found in being true to oneself.
The sun overhead, the earth beneath me, the tranquil stones, the graceful flutter of butterflies—they all seem to recognize me, allowing me to recognize myself in return.
With this newfound clarity, I make my way home, back to Gareth. With a touch and a smile, we reconnect with ease and transcend the earlier discord.
Nature's wisdom echoed in our reconnection, reminding me that just as the wind knows the trees and the waves know the shore, we too are known, and in that knowing, we find our way back to each other.
Sky before screens
And so, I share this reflection with you, inviting you to welcome and embrace these fleeting yet profound moments of being acknowledged. Consider the deliberate practice of acquainting yourself with nature, permitting the rhythmic heartbeat of the natural world to reciprocate in harmony before you step into your daily rhythms.
As an urban witch, I know the challenge of trading grass for concrete as you exit your doorstep. Yet, the natural world is ever present, should we choose to divert our gaze from the screens that claim our attention.
By opening your awareness to the reciprocity of being recognized, you might just discover the extraordinary outcomes that arise from this connection.
Therefore, let the morning's first waking moments bear an intention: "sky before screens."
Before diving into the realm of emails, texts, or social media, before immersing yourself in the orchestration of the day, grant yourself the grace to commune with the sky. Lift your gaze upwards, before the screens.
Through this simple act, you expand your consciousness into the realm of recognition, extending an invitation to the natural world to answer in gentle accord. Allow the tides of curiosity to steer you as you navigate the realm where the dance of understanding and being understood unfolds.
Embrace the symphony of remembrance and find the harmonious song of your heart by being known by nature.
***
Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this essay, I would so appreciate if you would share it. Reach out anytime by just hitting reply or leaving a comment, I love hearing from you.
Thank you for supporting me and my work.
With so much love,
Christina
The Antidote offers donation-based virtual community events to support healing, self-reflection, and connection. Our classes and workshops bring women together to spread feminine wisdom and well-being.
Calm your mind, deepen your breath, and open your heart in this live virtual 30 minute guided meditation class.
Join our next virtual women’s circle. This is a heart opening, stress-reducing experience for women centered on self-care, self-love, and mindfulness.
Is there a dormant spark within you? Seeking purpose, balance, and fulfillment? Ready to embrace your true self?
The woman you aspire to be is seeking you too. The path to her is clearer than you think.
It's not about constant improvement or erasing doubts. It's about embracing your authentic self – unapologetically.
I've empowered women to get paid what they deserve, ignite creativity, elevate businesses, and experience life with ease, trust, and flow.
Whatever your aspirations may be, I'm here to support you. Schedule a free exploration call to learn more.