The Antidote is a newsletter and meditation community featuring essential healing modalities for the modern woman. Our mission is to inspire women to realize their fullest potential through educational content, guided meditation, and self-reflection tools.
Self-doubt: an identity long inhabited
She slips on like a leather glove.
Flesh colored, tight and smooth as skin.
She looks and feels a lot
like my own hand.
Her familiarity is seductive,
I mistake it for warmth.
Soon we are riding all her old favorite
loops in my mind.
I become muted and
numb to my knowing.
She beckons. Here we go again.
We question everything. All the things.
To which the only answer I have is,
“I don’t know.”
Self-doubt is here.
She takes over.
My brow furrows.
It’s cruise control here on out.
I believe this furrow first formed at fifteen.
Perhaps she arrived when
I was slighted by the friend group.
Or maybe because...
My parents fought more than they played.
Or could it have been
the astounding indifference of the
manboy I gave my virginity to?
Whatever it was,
She put a stake in the ground and
has camped out ever since.
Don’t think I don’t put up a good fight!
I’ve won many rounds.
But like the manboy,
she comes back
and makes a convincing case
for another dance.
I listen to her logic.
You can’t fail if you never try.
No one can possibly say worse of me than me, I think,
as I experience her flare up like the skin
beneath a bug biting my back.
I swat but can’t reach.
Breaking out in all the agreeable modes,
I start asking advice
from everyone and anyone.
I collect opinions and procure permissions.
Is it ok if...?
What do you think I should do?
Or shouldn’t I do?
Should.
It’s her favorite word.
Shoulda, woulda, coulda.
Can’t. I can’t.
No, I don’t know.
With her,
worry settles on my chest
like an x-ray apron.
I’ve worn it for so long
I forget the extra weight.
That’s how they get us.
It’s in the again and again.
An emotional reaction
ready to be served up
like a happy meal in a drive through window.
But this meal is not happy.
It’s killing me.
I’m sick.
Sick of it.
Sick of the not knowing.
Sick to my stomach.
Sick of the whining,
self-absorbed,
petulant performance.
Enough!
I shake,
trying to send her off loose.
She grasps and grabs
and I gasp for air.
Lightness lifts me free by the
inspiration of my inhalation.
A pause.
An observed exhalation.
I follow the circle of my breath,
in and out and notice
She’s not breathing me...
Heck, I’m not breathing me!
Who is?
Pumping with my breath,
there, the beating apparatus in my chest.
A steady pulse.
I sense the subtle intelligence
of my heart.
I look down and see
she is not my hand,
she is a glove,
And not just any glove,
She is my glove.
I made her.
I think of the time we’ve spent together.
She’s finely formed to fit me perfectly.
Her creases mirror
the wrinkles of my hand.
Thank you glove,
I needed you once.
You were there to cover
my tender palm
when feeling was too much.
You helped me get through a time.
But that time is over.
I strip off my glove
and run my thumb
across the tips
of my fingers.
I can feel!
And I know.
Oh, do I know.
With so much love,
Christina
The Antidote offers donation-based virtual community events to support healing, self-reflection, and connection. Our classes and workshops bring women together to spread feminine wisdom and well-being.
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Women I have worked with have aligned with their purpose, up-leveled their businesses, gotten promotions and raises, reclaimed their inner artist, deepened their spirituality, healed from burnout, attracted an ideal partner, prepared for motherhood, cultivated fierce self-love and so much more.
My clients include founders, business professionals, and creatives, who believe in a world where all women are empowered and honored.
What clients are saying:
“Working with Christina allowed me to come alive within myself in new ways, and achieve things in my career that I have been aiming for for years.”
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Christina is an incredible source of wisdom, calm, and strength. She listens beyond just your words to what’s in your heart and tailors each session to your specific needs at that point in time. Through counseling, breath-work, and meditation, Christina helped me tap into confidence and trust in myself that I didn’t know I had.
- Sonya Tamiry, Lawyer